(Today’s post was guest-written by Victor Von Doom, doctor of physics, bloodthirsty tyrant and president of the Hello Kitty Online Fan Club.)

Attend me, fools, for I am Doom.

Much has been made of the recent troubles in the virtual online community Age of Conan, with some suggesting that the current interface software is of an old design, and not suitable for its current public usage.

Doom thinks not, but the simple fact is that Doom has, indeed, had a hand in the recent troubles of this industry.

What many fail to realize is that, for the past several years, most major product releases in the world of MMORPG business were powered by a series of patented programs and systems invented by Reed Richards.

RICHARDS!!!

The increasing popularity of this medium has left Doom no choice but to fight back, which has been simplicity itself despite Richards so-called “genius”. Over the past few years, Doom has carried out his plan in secret, to avoid interference:

• Doom slipped Brad McQuaid what is commonly referred to as a “mickey” in 2004, and replaced him with a specially-created Doombot (or in this case, a McQuaidbot) in order to discredit the medium, while at the same time replacing the Vanguard developer team’s coffee with brown water, draining them of the energy needed to finish the game before launch.
• Doom set his Doombots upon the task of repeatedly calling the dev team of Asheron’s Call 2 every few seconds, saying “Neener neener, you suck!” until the distraction caused the closure of the game.
• Doom implemented a software patch into the Auto Assault launcher which automatically granted a free subscription to “Girls Gone Wild” to each subscriber, effectively eliminating the free time they once used for play, leading to the inevitable victory of Doom.
• Doom was not responsible for the NGE in Star Wars Galaxies, however, and has not attempted to manipulate the workings of SOE; even Doom knows when he is outclassed.

Soon, Doom shall penetrate the ingenious shielding that Richards has erected at the Blizzard offices, and then shall Doom have his way with World of Warcraft (but not before Doom sells his level 70 mage…call me).

However, lay not at Doom’s feet the troubles of Age of Conan, for even Doom knows better than to patch an open beta client a few hours before said beta begins. Doom shall accept no responsibility for the methods used, but Doom is pleased by the result. Heed this,however…say not that these troubles are a sure “sign of Doom” for Age of Conan…Doom will not tolerate such insolence.

Seriously, cease using the name of Doom in vain, or the repercussions shall be severe.

So says Doom.

(Victor Von Doom holds a PhD in physics, a tenth-level rank as a mystic, and currently works part-time as a CSR on Elf Online. The views, opinions and diatribes expressed by Doom are his own, and do not reflect the opinions of LagORama, except for most of them.)

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Tags: Age of Conan, doom, Funcom, games, gaming, mmo, mmorpg